i'm never really here

You know the scene where fleabag and the priest are sitting in her cafe, and he tells her ‘What is that? The thing you’re doing. It's like you disappear’. That’s me!

I'm here right now, I have flesh and bones and some muscles on my body (I go to the gym). I can hear you speak, I nod along, and I respond, often accurately. But somehow, I’m still not really here.

In a room full of family, friends or colleagues, I'm physically there but my mind often drifts away. It's not like I don't want to be there - I do. But this urge to escape from the present moment, to exist in a world beyond the one I’m in is too overpowering.

It's like a switch I don't have much control over. This isn’t a new occurrence; this need to run was developed very young. I unknowingly nurtured this habit as a child and is now something I’ve carried into my mid 20s.

As a child, I created imaginary places where only I existed. (Well, me and my made-up friends). I felt safe there, a place I was in full control of. It provided comfort and helped me cope with the loneliness of being invisible at school and at home. As an adult this habit robs me of the present moment, sometimes even of the ability to feel.

One day, my best friend caught on. “You’re not really here,” she said. I had no clue what she's talking about, ‘I am!’ (I really thought I was). It was only a little later that I realised the weight of what she meant. You know the scene where fleabag and the priest are sitting in her cafe, and he tells her ‘What is that? The thing you’re doing. It's like you disappear’. That’s me!

I find that something about being human is so innately uncomfortable. We spend our whole life wanting to be seen but when someone does come, wanting to break the fourth wall, all we want to do is push it away. (Not now, try again in five years!)

It’s not like I've escaped every moment in my life. I’m happy to report that I have managed to be present in many moments, where I’ve allowed myself to be touched by the warmth of others. But having run on autopilot for a decent portion of my life, I've come to realise that if I don't stop and allow myself some joy, life might pass me by.

I think I’m going to go and ponder over that for a bit.